Avenged Sevenfold

Leave it to me not to put anything up here for so long, and come back on such an odd note, but it seems to be my way.

I know that it's not a recent film, and I certainly know now just what kind of a film it is, but I must warn you all of a menace. You know those movies that you mean to go see, but don't get to, and then you mean to rent, or watch on cable, and you still don't ever seem to be in the mood? One day, it just clicks, and you have motive and opportunity, and you flip on one of these movies.

It's a remake of a very good television show, with one of the hottest chicks that ever was on TV. The movie version has what should be a fantastic cast. Most of them can act their pants off (although the one you'd like to do that doesn't, at least in my opinion). For a bonus, it even has my favorite comedian in a small role.

I know I haven't given you much to work on there, so I'll end the suspense. The "movie" in question was "The Avengers". Classic TV, suave, and distinctly British, but in the good way, not in the one that makes you just want to slap 'em. The cast assembled is Ralph Fiennes, Sean Connery, and Uma Thurman. Sounds good so far, right? Oh, if only.

I will admit that I didn't pay complete attention to the entire film. That's not to say that my review of it isn't fair, or that I didn't see enough of it to give an accurate accounting of it's merit. It's just that I spent the better part of every scene looking around in disbelief, trying to find someone that could explain why the movie sucked so badly.

You know the cheesiness of a Pink Panther movie that's part of it's charm? Imagine achieving that unintentionally. The acting was weak on all accounts. The storyline was crack'd, even for over-the-top espionage plotlines. There was no chemistry between John Steed and Emma Peel, and that's just a travesty.

I'd give you a synopsis of the plot, but I really can't bring myself to do that. What I will talk just a little bit longer about is the singularly most bizarre element of the film. For no discernible reason, the bad guy(Connery) and his henchmen all don oversized, sports team mascot-like bear costumes. They're brightly colored, and look like a Grateful Dead album. There's an odd symmetry to that, because [please forgive the journey to the vulgarium] the writers of this film, if not the actors themselves, had to be TRIPPING BALLS to come up with something so ridiculously unnecessary and against type. I'm a man that's in full support of surrealism, but that's not what this was. It was just painful.

I love movies, and I enjoy a great deal of them. I like movies that I know are bad, but that's why I love them. This movie is bad in a way that only a mother could love, and she'd probably be lying too.

I really doubt that any of you reading this will have any reason or cause to watch something this old, but it happened to be On-Demand, and I watched it, and I wish I could have that time back. If I had any left, I'd say it stole my innocence. I see a movie like this, and I understand why there's a Die Hard 4 in production. I welcome a tired sequel at this point, with my arms wide open, and my disbelief as suspended as it can be...