A History Of Violence
Well, it's been a while since I've posted anything here, and yet I'm fairly confident that it will be a new and unique tidbit of information for all.
Now, I went onto a Disney site to find out some info on my trip that didn't happen. While I was there, I registered, and played a few of the games they had, posted some questions on the threads of their forums, and so on.
Turns out, I ended up sounding interesting enough to someone to write me a message, and from there, I ended up chatting and gaining a lot of nice friends.
Okay, so rather like real life, I'm an odd sort. This becomes even more apparent when you have my flavor of odd on a site filled with people that spontaneously quote Mary Poppins.
What happened was that my posts and comments ended up making me this really interesting and mysterious figure on the boards. I'm not even trying to sound like I believe my own hype here, but I have a reputation.
Now, what's really crazy is the fact that I go to a Disney board, and you know what I end up doing based on something someone asks me while I'm there?
I've begun to write down my memories of my violent past.
Leave it to me to take Disney, and turn it into self-therapy for violent tendencies and a pain addiction.
What I can say is that even though I've only documented a few things so far, I really do feel a lot better recalling these things, and I think this is actually going to be good for me.
The good news is that so far, I'm a bit like a hero in the stories that I've recounted. The bad news is that the stories I've told so far only cover through the 7th grade. Things get much worse after that - MUCH worse.
Although I've told a few of these tales to family and friends, I intend to bear all the bad blood this time around. I don't think there's a market for it, but I've still told myself that I will submit it to a publisher when I'm finished- just to say that I did. I just hope that people that know me that read it don't hate what they find out.
For as much as I try to explain to people what I'm like, it still doesn't seem to register. Even my profile here hints at it.
I have another wacky analogy to add - I'm like an M&M peanut candy. If you're not familiar, find one, and bite it in half, and then check out the structure.
There is a thin, outer layer of coloring - that is the socially-acceptable nice guy that most people see, and know.
Just beneath that is the white candy shell - that's my dark edge that some people that know me a little better can attest to.
Next, we come to the chocolate layer - this layer is bigger than the other two, and this comprises the love and capacity for love I have - cuz that's the real sweet and yummy part.
Then we get to the heart of the matter - the peanut. That's the largest part of the confection, and that's where to real darkness lies. I'm not going to call this where my demons or nightmares are. It's really more like a hollow chasm that has the echoes of all my worst fears and memories reverberating in it.
Who knows, maybe I'll end up on Oprah's book club (although she's probably a little gun shy of white boys with issues right now).
I suppose that maybe I'm convincing myself that this is helpful or healthy just because I'm too cheap to have someone tell me to lie on the couch, and then ask me how I feel about everything I tell him/her.
Regardless, the main thing is that I really do feel better having put down a few details already. I think that exorcising these demons will help me be a better person in the long run. I'm not sure that this will drive them from me, but it's definitely bringing them closer to the surface than they've been in a long time.
The funny thing is how I do my very best to be as sweet and likeable on the boards over on the Disney site, and yet people still end up sensing, or being drawn to my darker half.
I guess it's only right that my signature right now on there is "The brightest light casts the darkest shadow..."
posted by myrddin @ 2:56 AM
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